Biopsy

I had a pretty decent night’s sleep Sunday night, probably down to the fact that I took 30mg of Temazipam, but hey, I needed some sleep!  The last few nights have been a bit of a nightmare as I’ve been worrying about the biopsy so sleep was priority on Sunday night.

 

Woke early at 5.30 after sleeping through from 11 pm.  I was a bit groggy on waking but I’ve but that down to the sleeping tablets.  I got up, showered and dressed then we walked the dog round the block before double checking my rucksack which I took with me.  The letter stated that I should be at the hospital for 8.30, that I would then have the biopsy (no time given) then I would be in observation for 4-6 hours afterward.  I’d packed my dressing gown, a pair of shorts, my laptop, book, medical kit (yes, even to hospital!) and a few crystals.

 

We got to the hospital at roughly 8.15 and walked through the hospital to the radiology department.  We were checked in by the receptionist and asked to wait on the ward until the nurse came round to fill out some paperwork and do some health checks prior to the biopsy.  Within 10 minutes the nurse arrived and started checking me over.  We had a right giggle with the nurse who was lovely, discussing medications, side effects and current symptoms, she put me at rest when she mentioned that she’d dealt with loads of positive people since being in the department.  After checking my BP the consultant came over and gave me a brief outline of the procedure then I was on my way into the theatre.

 

On entering the theatre I was prompted to get onto the bed (very thin) and get comfortable.  The consultant then came in and asked me a set of questions regarding my name, address and DOB.  He then went on to ‘gel up’ his portable Ultra-Sound machine and popped it into my armpit…I almost screamed it was that ticklish.  I had pre-warned them all that I was really sensitive, especially in the armpit.  Once I started laughing that was it, the nurse joined in and it went on for a good two minutes.  Once I’d calmed down, the consultant then went on to scan my neck lymph node and asked which one I would prefer him to take a sample off – No brainer, my neck please! 

 

After we had agreed on the neck lymph I felt so relieved, being ticklish, I’d be really worried about me squirming about as the needle went in to my armpit so I was over the moon when he said he would take the sample from my neck.  He then disinfected my neck, took another scan to make sure there were no arteries present that could get in the way, then pumped me up with Local Anaesthetic. 

 

I did not see the needle he used as I’m a bit wimpy when it comes to those things, so decided to look away.  He tested the needle which gave off a very loud ‘click’ and advised me that was the click I would hear when the sample had been taken.  He then asked if I was ready, which I replied that I was and we started the biopsy.  I was pre-warned again about the click, once the needle was in my neck, and said click arrived.  I had tinnitus in my ear for about 10 seconds afterward.  He popped the sample out with another click and took a look.  Just my luck, the sample had fallen to bits!  We lined up for round two, luckily there was no round three 🙂

 

Tinnitus for another 10 seconds whilst he checked the sample, then he said “all done” and I was like really?  That fast?  Apparently, if I’d have had a biopsy on my liver, it would have taken quite a while longer so let’s hope I don’t have to.  I sat up for a few seconds whilst the nurse fastened my gown back up then was off back to the ward where Adam was waiting.  Had a word with the consultant for about 5 minutes discussing possible bleeds and what to do, was given 2 fresh dressing by the nurse and then was sent on my way.

 

Looks like I’d filled my bag for nothing as I was literally in the theatre for 15 minutes, the paperwork took less than 5 minutes.  I got changed whilst the nurse went to check on a few things for me (pain clinic) then I was cut free of my hospital tag and advised I could leave.  I was quite shocked it had gone as fast, as the letter did state that I would have to spend 4-6 hours in observation.  The nurse explained that was more for people who have a general anaesthetic and that the consultant was happy for me to leave. 

 

We made our way back into Wednesfield to get the bus home which was probably the longest wait of the day, we picked up a pork and stuffing sandwich each whilst we were waiting to have for dinner which we took home with us.  The bus came on time and we were home before we knew it.  Adam took the rest of the day off as the consultant advised that I would need someone with me for 24 hours just in case anything happened, nothing did though!

 

Once the local anaesthetic had worn off I started to feel the pain in my neck.  I had some pain killers and some water but it didn’t take away the pain.  I got pretty tired so took a nap for a few hours and when I woke I could not get warm.  Sat with a coffee cupped in my hands trying to warm up but that did not seem to work either.  After about an hour, during which I’d been dithering that much that I managed to bite my tongue twice, I was back to normal temperature and we popped to Morrison’s to get some dinner.

 

At around 6 pm I had all the texts and phone calls from family to make sure I was alright, and Kayla, our friend had popped round to see me.  I was a big groggy for most of the evening as I was in quite a bit of pain which has rolled over to today.  Had a GP appointment this morning, the last one with my current doctor as her contract is up so she will be moving on.  We went through loads of things, made sure all my medical notes were up to date and made an appointment with my new GP.  Although she had been a bit crap before I was diagnosed HIV+, she had but quite a lot of effort in with me since, and I’m a bit gutted that I’ve been passed on to another GP.  I know I planned on changing anyway but with everything going on at the moment, I was kind of putting that off.

 

We said our goodbyes then I was on my way to get some shopping in from Morrison’s for lunch and dinner and since then I’ve been trying to relax on the settee.  I tried to have a nap seen as I did not sleep a wink last night but could not drop off.  I got really warm and sweaty and have had a wet cloth on my head for the past hour but it’s not cooling me down.  Seen as I cannot rest I decided to blog instead, something I’ve not been doing very regularly of late!

 

I guess I haven’t been blogging as I’ve been feeling quite down these past few weeks.  Worrying about the biopsy hasn’t helped, just like the chest infection didn’t.  Been feeling quite fed up with all the aches and pains, the night sweats and not sleeping and guess this has an adverse effect on my mood.  Hopefully soon, I’ll get a break from all this as the HAART medication should kick in and reduce my symptoms. 

 

I have 8 days to wait for my results from the biopsy, along with the results of my first bloods taken on medication last Wednesday.  I’m trying not to think too much about the biopsy but it’s easier said than done.  Started a new book which is really good, by Peter F Hamilton who is a great sci-fi writer so hopefully that will help take my mind off things, failing that, I’ll have to get stuck into another TV series on Netflix or something like that.

 

Been signed off for another two weeks from Monday, had a meeting with work last week and they have been great.  They have registered me as disabled so when I return to work I’ll have things set up to help me better in my role.  We have also decided that I will have a phased return to work, using up my flexi time and some holiday time to make up my weeks until I am back up to full time work.

 

Don’t feel quite ready enough to go back just yet, my mood is all over the place still, and with the insomnia, my concentration levels are quite low too.  My memory has been playing me up, I find myself getting up to do things then can’t remember what I am supposed to be doing.  Probably the result of the lack of sleep and the constant tiredness.  I keep getting told that it will all level out soon and that I will be sleeping again and back to a healthy state, guess I just get frustrated that I’m not seeing any results yet, and if anything, things have gotten worse.

 

Fingers are crossed for my results next week, hopefully the days will go fast as I hate not knowing what’s going on.  Until then I best get my head into my book to try and get my mind off these results.

 

DathomirDan.

 

Thanks for reading.

The week that went too fast

The week that Adam and I both booked as annual leave has gone very fast, we’ve done quite a bit together which has been nice, but I wish it was just that little bit longer. Monday through till Thursday we took books to the charity shop each morning, we had planned to clear the front room that was covered wall-to-wall in books. Most of them we had read, some of them we had not. We had whole collections by authors that we just weren’t going to get around to reading as we are so engrossed in certain series’ already, so we decided to take 500+ to the local branch of Bernardo’s.

 

Each morning we filled bags, trollies and suitcases full to the brim with books then hauled them up to town to hand them over to Bernardo’s. By day two, we were known to all the staff, they referred to us as ‘the book boys’, asking if we owned a library! Our response was that we had a huge collection that needed trimming down as we were running out of space in the flat. It was a huge challenge for me as my muscles are quite wasted so carrying bags of books was an effort. I took to pulling the trollies/suitcase instead as this was easier for me. It’s been a good stretching exercise if nothing else.

 

On the Tuesday we had an incident with a thief, which was quite funny. We were en-route to Bernardo’s, Adam carrying 4 bags of books, I was pulling the suitcase, and just as we were coming up the path that leads to the main road (disused road which is overgrown on both sides with greenery) I saw a young lad of around early 20’s running into the bushes with what looked like a big black box. Strange. As we got to the top of the hill I was looking into the bushes to see where he went but could not see him. He was in red, I thought he would be easy to spot, but he wasn’t. The next thing I know, two ladies dressed in Morrison’s uniforms came running round the corner looking exasperated. I knew straight away what had happened, the lad must have walked into Morrison’s, picked up an electrical item, and ran out.

 

I used to work at Asda when I was 16-19 years old and worked on the ‘Home and Leisure department’, basically, everything non-edible. I was charged with looking after the electrical department so had experienced theft quite regularly, some people are very blatant about stealing from supermarkets, lifting up items and just walking out! Anyway, like I said, I knew straight away what had happened. I said to the ladies “he’s hiding in the bushes, that lad you’re after”, a smile spread across both staff members faces and they moved in for the kill. They spotted him straight away in the bushes (must need my eyes tested) and shouted at him to give up the goods or they would call the police. He gingerly held out the box from the bushes, keeping himself in there, and passed it to the closest lady. Turns out it was a Microwave, top end one too! The ladies warned him not to come in to the shop again, then turned to thank us. At this point, the young lad darted out of the bushes and ran off down the road shouting abuse at the four of us.

 

After a word of thanks from the staff members we continued onto the charity shop, feeling like we had done a good dead. It made me think though, as every time Adam and I go shopping in Morrison’s, we get followed by the security staff. I don’t know why that is, but it always seems to happen. The next time I see that security guard I’m going to give him a piece of my mind, where was he that day? Why was he not running after the thief? Was he too busy following law-abiding citizens around the store instead? Makes you think doesn’t it?

 

In the evenings through the week we watched TV, chatted loads about what we’d done and what else we planned to do, and geared ourselves up for Saturday at Glastonbury. All through the week I’d suffered with a bad stomach and sore muscles, alongside my insomnia and night sweats, which have been bringing my mood down still. All this had worried both of us, would I be well enough travel to Glastonbury on Saturday? Friday was by far the worst day health wise for me, I was in constant pain all day, in and out of the loo like a bee whizzing back and forth, and a bad migraine that I could not shake. Friday night I took an extra 10mg Tamazipam, I needed a decent night’s sleep, even if it was just for one night, to rest up before possible travel the next morning.

 

Saturday morning came round very quickly. I was up from 6 AM and had my painkillers, anti-depressants and antibiotics (chest infection) then we both took the dog for a walk. I’d had a pretty good sleep and my muscles were not too sore, BONUS! We decided it was okay for me to travel so we got back from walking the dog, showered, dressed and packed a bag for the day. We met the group of people we were traveling with at 8.20 AM outside the Pagan shop in Bilston (roughly 20 of us all together) and packed ourselves onto the coach. There were some right characters in our group, some shy ones and some very loud ones, all lovely though really. The only down point at that moment was the constant downpour of rain.

 

We set off at 8.30 AM from Bilston and got straight on the motorway, the traffic was pretty heavy as it was the weekend that all the schools broke up for holidays, so the motorway was pretty packed, add that to torrential rain and the average speed was around 30 mph. It took us 4 hours to reach our destination, we stopped once at a service station on the way for 30 minutes, but the rest of the time was spent on that supposedly comfy seat (yeah right) reading my book, with a numb backside and legs!

 

Finally at 12.32 PM we had reached our destination, Glastonbury. The rain was much lighter here, and by 2 PM it was clear skies for the rest of the day. We split from the group on arrival, planning to meet up at 4 PM to explore ‘The Chalice Well’s Gardens’ with the group, and then finally being back at the coach for 6.30 PM for the journey home.

 

What a fantastically amazing day we had. We started off with the Tor, something I’ve been gearing up for since I found out we were going about 3 weeks ago. We ended up going the long way round, following the tourist signs (woops, it’s not like we haven’t been here before) that ended in an extra 30 minute walk before we actually got to the start of the Tor trail. Luck had brought us to the steeper side…GREAT! It was a right game getting up the Tor, Adam was giving me verbal support all the way though, bless him. There were times when my acrophobia kicked in, I think it’s the not having support rails around me when hiking up the Tor that turned my stomach, but I kept focused, did not look down and before I knew it, we had reached the top.

 

It was amazing being up there, looking off into the distance, taking in the air, and finally sitting down! Adam took some great panoramic pictures of the surrounding countryside that are beautiful, also some of the stone structure at the top of the Tor too. We spent around 15 minutes recharging our batteries and taking in the scenery before we heard the distant thunder…I was carrying an umbrella, at the highest point of land in the area…time to make a quick exit! Needless to say that the decent went a lot smoother than the assent, even though I had ‘jelly legs’. The steps are really hard to get down when you are in a rush and panicking about getting struck by lightning, but we managed it all the same.

 

We then went Glastonbury and did some shopping. I could have spent a small fortune if I had had it with me. We had a budget which amazingly we stuck too, and managed to treat ourselves, get lunch and even have a few drinks at one of the pubs, sat outside, watching the world go by right in the town centre. It was lovely, seeing everyone milling around in the sun, enjoying themselves in this magical place. It really charged me just by being there, let alone the feelings I had at achieving my goal of conquering the Tor. We shopped for hours for crystals, books and a present for the dog. We got him a fox puppet which he loves, we names him Basil, Baz for short. Adam came away with a lovely Sapphire ring for his little finger and I had a bag full of crystals to take home too.

 

At 4 PM we met the group in the centre of town and headed up to Chalice Wells a 4 acre space filled with the most amazing gardens, and of course, the legendary well. It was so peaceful in there and lovely just to sit there and take in the silence. We lit candles at the Well for Adam’s Mother, Nan and Labrador as remembrance, we scattered Adam’s mother and Kyle, Adam’s Labradors’ ashes last year up the Tor, so it was nice to mark the occasion this year with candles and incense, something we plan to do yearly. After the serenity of the gardens we headed back into town for one last drink before getting on the coach.

 

By 6.30 we were all packed up on the coach again. I felt so drained physically from all the walking and traveling, but so mentally charged from the experiences of the day. We had an amazing time in a place we have both grown to love, and even mentioned plans of moving down there at some point in the future, something we both would like to do. Unfortunately the journey home was very uncomfortable, just like the journey there, but I held out. Had to have my tablets at 9 PM so was glad of the chance to grab a ‘Bacon Double Cheeseburger‘, at the service station stop. This one was only 20 minutes long which was okay, just a quick toilet stop and a chance to have a cigarette.

 

By 10.30 PM we were alighting the coach back in Bilston. As soon as we got off the coach the rain started again – typical. We said our goodbyes and headed on home to see our pup. He’d been with one of our neighbours most of the day, she offered to walk him and suggested she may take him round hers for an hour or so. Turns out that when we got back at 10.40 PM, she was just coming out of our flat, Sammy had only just got home! He’d had a right day of adventure with his doggy friend Alfie from 2 doors up, playing with his toys, digging up his buried treats, even going with Julie (the lady looking after him) to see her mother so he had an extra walk and extra fuss! Looks like he had just as good of a day as we did. He adores his new fox puppet and has taken to shaking him about lots and barking at him. It’s quite funny as they are nearly the same colour as each other, and look very similar in facial features.

 

After unpacking the bags, fussing and playing with Sammy and talking about our day to Julie, we cuddled up on the sofa to catch up with Big Brother. It was nice to unwind for an hour after having such a busy day, but I was more than happy when bedtime came around. I was out like a log apparently, even before the sleeping tablets kicked in! Woke up very refreshed this morning and still charged from Glastonbury. Must be something in the air down there, or the water, as I feel pretty damned good about everything. My muscles ache, but that’s okay. It’s an effort to walk today, but that’s okay too.

 

Spending today recharging and chilling with Adam and the pets before Adam goes back to work tomorrow. It’s been so nice having this time with him, doing things together, and having actual belly-laughs, something I really miss. Wish the week did not have to end, but like all good things, it must. Looking forward to our next journey to Glastonbury, and a trip to Stonehenge with the same group that will be amazing, hopefully it will be on one of the equinoxes or solstice’s which would be epic.

 

What a fantastic week with my future husband, our pets, and friends old and new.

 

Here’s to the future,

 

DathomirDan

 

Thanks for reading.

 

 

Wolverhampton and Black Country City Show 2014

We attended the city show yesterday (Adam and I) and had a fun filled afternoon. We met up with one of the Board Members for the organisation we work for, as well as one of our colleagues, Dawn (Adam’s BFF and a very good friend to me too). We had originally planned to get there for 12 PM but the rain foiled that, however, by 2 PM we were at the gates and paying our way in.

 

We usually work the city show, though our employer, but this year we had the time off as annual leave so decided to go as customers. It was a little overcast to start with, then the sun cut through the clouds like a hot knife through butter and my shades magically appeared on my face. There was so much to see, even though it had only changed slightly from last year. Monster trucks pulling apart and rolling over cars, motorbikes jumping off a huge ramp, cowboys and Indians on horses, and the change for this year – a geese show – yup, a geese show, with a sheep dog rounding them up. It was very cute although it did not last long, the dog also had issues getting the geese into the crate which was quite funny, but he got there in the end.

 

We spent loads of money at the ‘Ye Olde Sweet Shoppe’, mainly on bon-bons – got Adam some super sour ones which actually made his face crush up as they were that sour. We’ve been looking for sour sweets for years now that give that effect, they just don’t make them like they used too! I had a variety of flavours including cherry, watermelon and raspberry, I’ve still got loads left which is a big surprise, as they’re very moreish!

 

After a walk round seeing all the stalls we grabbed some food, we had samosas, chips and chicken tikka wraps, all of which was amazing. We also visited the pub tent so Adam and Dawn could have a pint of cider, I stayed on water like a good boy. It was tiring for me with all the walking, but very worth-while. We found a badge stall and I managed to find a bio-hazard one which I’m still wearing, just a little thing I’ve been thinking about lately, and want a tattoo of. Got Adam a geek badge and also a peace badge, got Dawn one with a phrase including her surname (near enough) and one with a moustache for a lad at work.

 

After roughly 3.5 hours we called it a day, via the Sweet Shoppe for one last top up, then got the Tram home. It was walkies time for Sammy by the time we got back so went straight out with him. Finally at about 6.30 PM I got to sit down and not get up again, which was LOVELY! We spent the evening watching series 1 of Believe which is getting pretty good, we plan to finish this then start on Banshee series 2, can’t wait as series 1 was immense.

 

Been to take more books to the charity shop this morning, I was pulling the ‘granny trolley’ up the road (Adam’s mom’s old one) which was packed with not only a full box, but also 3 carrier bags full of books, the wheel was threatening to come off the whole way there, but somehow, it managed to stay attached. We’ve cleared out roughly 150 books since Friday so that leaves about 270 to go. Should have the front room clear by weeks end.

 

We’ve mown the back lawn and tidied up the patio and pots, now we are chilling with a coffee before we decide what to do next. I’ve suggested a picnic at the park so hopefully Adam will take to that idea.

 

My muscles are protesting, but sod them. I need to get better so they will just have to put up with the pain. I’m determined not to ruin this week off together so I’m being quite hard-faced towards my HIV and muscle loss this week. Glastonbury on Saturday so will rest up Thursday and Friday in preparation for climbing the Tor, something I need to do.

 

Hope you all had good weekends and hugs to you all,

 

 DathomirDan

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Seeing an old friend.

Friday was my first day of annual leave, Adam has booked the same time off too so we get a whole 10 days together. I’m dead set on not letting my symptoms and side effects ruin this week, but Friday morning it went down-hill quite quickly. We went to the market in Bilston to get some bits and bobs and all was going well. One of the ladies that we run community events with had ‘Yarn Bombed’ the town with her friends, it was so colourful and extravagant that I was really blown away by it. They’d made loads of things like bunting, flowers, and a whole outfit for the town statue! We took loads of pics and had a catch up then carried on. We dropped off 4 bags of books at the charity shop then did a bit of shopping. There was an extra market on, for ‘Bilston in Bloom’ – hence the yarn bombing as there was no budget for flowers – damn cutbacks! There was even a crystal stall which I was drawn to and came away £10 lighter with 7 new crystals for my collection.

We went round the shops then to the standard market that’s on 4 days a week. At this point I started to feel off. I went very light headed, felt sick, and the pain in my head was excruciating. It was like someone was scraping metal over my brain. I rushed out of the market, nearly falling over, started crying, and tried to take deep breaths whilst Adam tried to calm me down. We went straight home at this point. Great, first day off and I’d spoilt the day already. I spent the rest of the day on the settee and in bed, managed a few hours’ sleep, and did quite a bit of crying. The evening went quite fast, just watched telly then went to bed early.

Saturday morning I was up around 7, feeling a lot better. I was very excited as it was the day I got to see my old best friend. We took another 4 bags of books to the charity shop (still about 300 books to go – clear out) then came back home. We popped to Morrison’s to get some strawberries and cream, then weeded and strimmed the front garden. At 1.30 PM I went up to the tram stop to meet Lewis, got quite anxious on the way up but took some deep breaths and levelled myself out. When I saw him get of the tram, a huge smile appeared on my face, it was so nice to see him. We had a hug then walked down to mine. We caught up on a few things in the living room with Adam then moved outside to the garden for strawberries and cream. I had such a fantastic afternoon finding out how he was, what he was doing for work now, and how his partner Craig is getting on with his new job. It felt like we hadn’t stopped talking, that we just picked up from where we left off two years ago.

After a couple of hours sat in the sun with Lewis I started to get a bit tired, happens a lot lately! We wrapped up the chat and he left for the tram. Guess speaking to him had wiped me out emotionally, I was so happy to have him here, although my body was protesting the whole time. We plan to see each other again soon, not too sure when as he has moved to Sussex now, although he is keeping his apartment in Birmingham and renting it out to friends, keeping a foot hold in the busy city.

I went to bed as soon as he left and slept for about two hours, Adam woke me up after he had taken the dog for a walk then we went the shop to grab some bits, mainly alcohol that he was taking with him to his dinner party last night. He showered and changed, looked extremely handsome in his suit jacket, jeans, shirt and brown shoes, good enough to eat! He was off by 7 PM so I chilled all evening on the settee, with free reign of the TV!!!

I watched Knight and Day which stars Cameron Dias and Tom Cruise which was good, then was in bed for 11 as I was knackered. Was nice sitting on the settee with the dog, groomed him and gave him some love whilst we watched the film, don’t think Sammy was really watching it though, he was more interested in licking his bits!

We had planned to go to the Wolverhampton and Black Country City Show today, but fear it could be a wash-out due to all the rain, so looks like we will have to find something else to occupy us for the day. Just started the latest Scott Mariani novel, Ben Hope and his ex SAS antics, always a good read so might make some headway with that today.

We’ve been to the Sunday market with the dog and now back home in the dry. Kayla is due round about 12.30 with a week’s worth of home-made dog treats for Sammy and a catch-up with coffee, might nip out and get some cakes as a little treat.

All in all, feeling a bit sore physically (nothing new there) and a bit better mentally (wonder how long it will last). Bit worried about Glastonbury on Saturday, if I’m too ill then we can’t go, which I’d be gutted about, so best rest up lots this week.

Fingers crossed hey!

DathomirDan.

Thanks for reading.

Two day break from blogging

Been feeling a bit ill since I had my second Hepatitis B injection on Wednesday, had some flu like symptoms and have been very tired all the time. Too tired to blog! Slept really badly last night, woke up at 3 AM freezing cold – a new one for me as I’m usually sweating – and dying for the loo too. I popped the loo then actually got into bed – this is also new for me as since January I have slept on top of the bed! It was lovely getting under the duvet, a real treat, but it didn’t last long. Within 30 minutes I was out again, the sweats had returned.

I nearly missed a dose of medication last night, I’d gotten them ready for after my evening meal – also new as I usually eat then get them out – left them next to my drink and ate dinner. I usually take the medication at 9 PM. At 10.30 I tried to put my drink down on the table but it kept wobbling about on the coaster, what’s going on here? I looked, and there was a red, white and blue tablet on the coaster…..woops!

I took them straight away, got myself ready for bed, had a painkiller and my sleeping tablets and got into bed. Slept from 11.15 to about 3 AM, then grabbed a few minutes here and there up till 6.30 when I decided to get up. Feeling pretty frustrated with myself, maybe the crappy sleep was due to the late tablets? Or me worrying that much that I’m waking myself up? Annoyed anyway, not a good way to start your first day of annual leave!

I’ve let Adam have a lie in, I’ve taken the pets out of the bedroom so we are chilling in the living room. Thinking about taking the dog out in a bit, need to find the motivation though. Gave him a brushing earlier to kill some time and he keeps looking at me and making funny noises, bless him. The cat, however, has gone to sleep on the chair.

Had my first counselling session with THT yesterday on Skype, don’t think I was fully prepared for some of the deep questions asked. I felt ok at the start, maybe because it wasn’t face to face, and that I was in my own home, but I soon started to crack. Talking about feelings since diagnosis was hard, very hard, and took me back to those early days last month when I struggled so much, like I still am now. We discussed positive points too, like attending the ‘Beyond Positive Pub Crawl’, writing my blog, telling my family and work, and all the support that is around me. My mind still seems to focus on the negative though, and I was in a pretty low mood by the time the counselling was at an end.

About half an hour after the counselling, my younger brother, James, came over. It was so good to see him, he cheered me right up. We’re both having a bit of a time with mental illness at the moment, and I enjoy the fact we can express ourselves to each other and try to make sense of it all. We had a two hour chat, mainly about mine and his mental states, but also about making lists. James suggests I make a list of little things that I want to accomplish on my week off, they don’t have to be big things, just anything really, just to show myself that I’m not just sitting at home doing the cleaning and then nothing. I’ve been mulling it over this morning and think it’s a good idea. I’ve put down so far to weed the front garden, fix a picture frame that is broken, paint the wall in the bedroom, have a picnic with Adam, and go to Glastonbury next Saturday (booked and paid for) and whilst there, climb the Tor, light my incense and get my crystals out, centre myself and channel some healing energies. Not a bit list, but it’s a start 

So glad I’m seeing more of my brothers and my mom, kind of let it all slip when I moved to Wolverhampton. It was hard to travel when I was unemployed but now I don’t really have an excuse, unless I’m just too ill to travel, but that should ease when I’ve been on my medication for a few months, just need to be patient (which is very hard for me at the moment!).

Going to try really hard to enjoy my week off with Adam, he deserves a good break, having to put up with me after working all week! We’ve planned a few excursions and to do some odd jobs around the flat so hopefully I will be able to stay with it mentally and not ruin the break.

Looking forward to spending some quality time with him and the pets, doing something fun, enjoying ourselves, think we both really need it.

Getting to see my old best friend, Lewis, tomorrow which I’m really excited about. Got so much to catch up on, and missed him so much over the past two years. Not too sure where we will be going, suppose it depends on the weather, but it’s the spending time with him that counts, not the venue. Adam is off out tomorrow evening for a dinner party at a friend’s house which will be nice for him, gives him some time away from me, and he gets to dress up for canapés and cocktails 

Well, I suppose I should take the dog for his morning walkies, he’s very restless.

Until next time,

DathomirDan.

Thanks for reading

Resistance!

Resistance!

Went to the HIV clinic today to finally get my resistance tests and have my second Hepatitis B vaccination jab. Adam attended the clinic with me as he usually does, I’m sure he does it to get out of work now [smile]. We were at the clinic at 9.15 but had to wait half an hour to be seen, not that I minded, I was playing the math puzzle 2084 on my phone, if you haven’t tried it and like numbers, give it a shot, the aim is to add up the boxes to make the biggest one you can without running out of space.

We were called through at about 9.45 by Dr McCathie and taken into a private room. We said a quick hello and then went straight into how I’d been feeling and coping. I’ve learnt to be deadly honest with doctors so I got my book out and ran through roughly 20 symptoms/side effects that I believe have got worse over the two weeks since I last saw her. We explained most of them away on medication, a few that would be looked into and one that I have to apply cream to 4 times minimum a day (can you guess which one it is? Lol).

I showed her my biggest concern of the day, the red rash that has ravished my milk-bottle white body. It is everywhere, except my slightly tanned face and neck. This is a bonus as I would not have wanted to leave the house if it was on my face. I explained that seeing this physical sign had affected my mood, that has been dragging along the floor for two weeks anyway, but this was also put down to the medication. We are going to keep an eye on it anyway just to be sure.

The scariest part of the HIV clinic session was discussing my raised lymph nodes. The ones in my neck have gotten bigger, and the one under my left armpit is huge, it causes some discomfort it is that big. We have decided to do a biopsy on my neck and armpit glands, not the needle one as that would mush up the cell structure as it is sucked from the gland, so looks like the scalpels will be coming out to see me. Not sure when the biopsy will be but sooner rather than later I hope.

I also discussed a ‘sore subject’ which was a little embarrassing. My testicles have been very achy over the past few months and it’s got to the point where I constantly have a dull ache. I believe it’s due to inactivity and Dr McCathie agreed. She checked me over anyway, gave them a squeeze and all is fine. I flinched a few times but that was due to her cold hands!

I then had my Hepatitis B jab and we were on our way home. No bloods were taken today, which was a surprise, but I’ve only been on medication so we are leaving it for a fortnight and take them once I’ve been on the medication a month for a clearer set of counts.

She thinks I’m doing well, that I’m coping well and seem a lot healthier than I had when I first met her. I agree that I have improved physically since 4th June, but mentally I am a wreck. You only need to spend 30 minutes around me to realise that. I felt good that she had said I looked better as I’ve been trying really hard to eat loads, stretch out my depleted muscles and eat healthy. The thing that is letting me down at the moment is my mind which scares me. I have counselling starting tomorrow and an appointment with a psychiatrist on 1st September to address these issues, but September seems so very far away.

Saw the GP yesterday and we increased the antidepressants again, 150 mg of Sertraline a day now, but it will take a month for the effects, plus my combination of Truvada, Darunavir and Ritonavir reduce the effects of the Sertraline by 49%. May take some time to get me on the right dosage.

I’m hanging on in there though, Adam and my family have been brilliant as per usual, don’t know where I’d be without them all. My new family on the forums are looking after me too, and I feel so humbled to have met some of them, and see that they are doing so well.

My light still shines but the wind is blowing strong, my family and friends (old and new) are acting as my wind-breakers. Thank you all.

Blessed Be,

DathomirDan.

Thanks for reading.

Family Monday

After an up and down weekend, I spent the daytime yesterday with my mom. She came over to mine at about 10 AM to pick me up, then we drove from Bilston to Erdington. We popped round the shops as she is off to her house in Italy in a few days and wanted to grab some bits she would be unable to get over there. After a little shop we popped to my niece’s nursery to collect her and went to the park.

It was lovely and sunny, and the playground was empty so she had free reign to play on everything. I had fun pushing her on the swings, watching her wiz down the slide, played with her on the see-saw and even managed to wedge myself into the ‘wobbly chair’ which was fun. After about 45 minutes we had to drop her at her other nanny’s as a relative who lives in Cyprus had come over and wanted to see her.

Once we had dropped her off we met up with my younger brother James in the local sizzler to have some dinner. I had the smothered chicken which was really nice. My little brother was having a bad day, and his low mood was evident. Mom and I tried to cheer him up, more me as mom just moaned a bit about how his fiancé treats her…time and a place mother! James brought us all a pudding then we parted ways. He went home to relax and mom and I went back to her house.

We relaxed and chatted for an hour, her showing me her hording collection which I honestly think is getting out of hand! She’s sorted out some of it, but every wardrobe is stuffed to overflowing with clothes, my old bedroom is full to the brim of kid’s toys for my niece’s, and the only room without stuff shoved everywhere was the living room! Told her she may have a slight problem and that if she likes, I’d help her get rid of a few things. She showed me mounds of things that she is taking out to Italy for the house, let’s hope she leaves it there and doesn’t end up bringing more stuff back!

Tried to have a bath which turned out to be a bad idea. I managed about 20 minutes in the water then had to get out due to over-heating. The plan was to relax my muscles as they have been giving me trouble, but I ended up getting out even more tense than I had been. Stood in the garden for about half an hour, red all over, sweating, in just my shorts. Had my bath towel to mop up my perspiration and lots of water to drink. Was pretty annoyed that I had failed to have a bath, not had one in about 6 years as our flat only has a shower. Gutted.

We chatted some more up until 5.45 then she dropped me round to my brother’s house. We ate dinner whilst the kid’s played then James and I went to the pub to have a catch up.

We really opened up to each other about how we were feeling and how life was for us at the moment. He opened up about his Bipolar, and how he was finding it hard to talk about, and I opened up more about how I am dealing with being HIV+. It was such an emotional conversation that I was close to tears a few times, managed to keep them all in though. I feel so valued as a brother, the fact that he can confide in me, and that I can advise him to the best of my knowledge on how we should both get through this low time. I explained again how writing had helped me deal with my diagnosis, and that talking about it really does help. He understands that but finds it difficult to communicate his feelings to his partner, but we are working on a way to help him deal with this. I feel so proud of him, he’s come so far in life, has his own house, a well-paid job and two lovely children. It’s such a shame that his Bipolar is making it hard for him to cope, but I assured him that I will be there for him no matter what happens. We had such a laugh talking about our childhood and teenage years, how close we were and that we want to get back to that. I told him so much about my private life, something’s I would not dream of telling my mother or older brother, and felt like we really connected like we used too.

We’ve both agreed to meet up more often, spend more time with each other, and support each other as much as we can. I feel so happy that I’m getting back on track with him, even under the circumstances. The laughs we had, especially on the car journey back to mine were really great, some things I’d forgotten all about, and others I will always remember!

He dropped me home and came in to see Adam and Sammy with his new haircut. I made him smell the dog as he smells lush, I’m getting everyone to smell him at the moment lol. He left mine with a smile on his face, feeling good. I hope it has carried over to today.

I feel a bit drained today as yesterday was quite a long day. My muscles are still protesting, I still have my symptoms and side effects but I feel brighter in myself. Spending time with my family really helps me, and I plan to do more of it. I’m meeting my older brother on Monday for a catch up with him at our local in Bilston, not had a proper one-to-one with him in ages.

Went to the GP’s this morning with Adam for my weekly check-up. She was really nice and was pleased to meet Adam. I’ve been given an increase in my pain killers, new pile cream (smile) and more sleeping tablets. Another £24.15 lighter but I need the medication.

That was my Monday, and what a ride it was. Drained but happy, body is protesting but my mind is fighting strong.

Blessed Be,

DathomirDan.

Thanks for reading.

My Weekend

Had a very up and down weekend to say the least. Great night on Friday at the Beyond Positive Pub Crawl, even though I saw some people I’d rather have avoided. The warm welcome from the group was fantastic, the support unparalleled, the laughs just kept rolling and rolling.

Saturday morning I felt quite drained, suppose it was a lot to take in from the night before and process. Felt really good though when I got up, although my muscles were in protest! We walked the dog, went up town then got ready to go out with our friend.

We got picked up and took the dog to get pampered at a doggy salon – spoilt – he was a bit nervous of the car, as the last time he was in one, he was leaving one home and going to another. We managed to get him in though and I held onto him in the back, fussing him and just generally trying to calm him down. We dropped him off at the salon then went to get some lunch.

We went to ‘The World Famous Pie factory’ which I’d never been too before. What a treat. I had a massive mixed grill that came to the table on a shovel, yes, shovel (bloody fantastic). It was immensely tasty and very filling. Adam had the faggot pie and so did Kayla, they both seemed to enjoy it. I even got the chance to stand behind the ‘Desperate Dan’ board and put my face through the hole to have a picture taken, pics to follow shortly as they are on Adams phone.

After the filling lunch we went to do a bit of shopping, then back to Kayla’s for a coffee and to meet her doggies. They are lovely little pups, the little girl, Pandora, was right mental, running and jumping and licking everything Lol. After the coffee we went to get Sammy, it was our first time taking him to a salon so I was really looking forward to seeing the outcome.

Fantastic, he looked, felt and smelt lovely, all his down (fluffy hair) had been removed, trimmed to perfection and they even attached a little bow onto his collar! They said he had been very well behaved which is unusual for Sammy, bet they spoilt him with fuss!

We came home after that to relax. My muscles really needed it but I felt great mentally. We watched the rest of season two Orange is the new black which was epic, really good ending and very surprising. Had an early night as my body just would not co-operate with my mind and smothered my pillow in Lavender Oil which I’d picked up earlier.

Sunday was a bit of a low day. The muscle pains were a lot worse, the runs had started again and I generally felt so exhausted that I had a cry. I was sat on the settee with my feet up, trying to relax. We’d finished an episode of a series we are watching and Adam went to the loo. When he came back in the episode had started over again so I told him he had, to which he jokily said ‘well, you weren’t going to get up and change it’. The flood gates opened. I balled my eyes out in frustration, the pain all over, the lack of sleep, the nausea, the high temperature – the list goes on. What made it worse is that I knew he was joking, but could not keep my emotions in check. I felt so bad, so down, almost defeated. He gave me a love and told me it would be alright, which kind of made me worse. Felt like a right dick after having such a great weekend and now I’d gone and spoilt it. Seems like I’m not satisfied at the moment with no drama, at least, that’s how it must look.

Spent the rest of the evening with a low mood, going in on myself lots and just feeling crappy. Made dinner and chatted a bit which picked me up a little, but still felt down. Guess I’m just frustrated with feeling ill all the time, it’s been going on since about November last year which is quite a long time and I just want it all to stop. I know I have to be patient with the medication but I just feel so shitty at times that it all just feels like it’s too much to deal with and I end up a snivelling mess.

Meh!

Feeling more positive today, off to mums to spend the day with her, and to soak my muscles in her bath, not got a bath here, just a shower, we’re looking into changing that but it will cost a bit and we just can’t afford that at the moment.

Seeing my brother this evening for a catch up, just the two of us, which will be nice, been looking forward to it since we sorted it out last Monday.

Feel better emotionally I suppose, very grateful for having such a good weekend, even though it went to shit on Sunday.

Hopeful as always, fed up of illness, feeling like patience is a virtue that I seem not to possess.

DathomirDan

Thanks for reading.

Beyond Positive Pub Crawl

Well, what can I say? What a night!

Last night I attended the Beyond Positive Pub Crawl in Birmingham, my first outing on the scene after diagnosis a month ago. I was nervous and highly anxious all day, and it took me forever to decide what I was going to wear #GayBoyProblems. So glad that Adam came with me, don’t think I’d have been as chatty if he wasn’t there, my confidence is on a very low ebb at the moment, and I’m finding it hard to interact with people.

We arrived at the first bar at 7.30 PM and I was shocked to see so many people there, and the red clothing – fair play guys. I was quite nervous but Adam was there so I felt I could do it. We got introduced to most of the group, got a drink, and the chatting started. We felt so welcomed by everyone and I felt happy I did not have to tell these people that I’m positive, as they already knew. After the first drink I felt more relaxed, but slightly bloated – damn you lager! After that drink we moved to the second bar just over the road, and that’s where I had a little shock.

We got into bar 2 and ordered a drink, I went with Pepsi as the beer had made my stomach feel off. We were chatting away then Adam and I decided to go out back to have a cigarette. Bad idea. Outside were two old friends that I had not seen in about 5 years, we said hello and caught up a bit, then they asked why I was out in Birmingham…

I lied to them and said we just fancied a night out, they did not believe me though. When we went back in I felt like crying and going home, I’d not planned on seeing people I knew well. Adam and the boys reassured me that it would be OK but I just felt like shit. I was so paranoid that they knew why I was here, with a bunch of people wearing red clothes. They came inside and saw me from across the room, they gave me funny looks, chatted to each other, laughed, then went back outside. Fucking hell.

I could have broke down then and there, but managed to keep it together. Adam and the lads were so supportive, telling me that they did not matter, and they have no confirmation why I was there anyway, still felt shit about it though. I tried to push them out of my mind but found that hard to do.

Just after that, one of the guys, Rick, stood next to me and took his meds. How brave is he! It was time to take mine too so I did, all down in one, which I had not done before as they are quite chunky and there’s 3 of them. Felt so proud of myself for doing it, especially in public. Cheered me right up.

We left the second bar shortly after, and went to bar three. The ex-friends were in there which was a bit shit, but we ignored them and went straight to the bar. Adam gave me a big hug and kiss, telling me not to worry about them, that the people who know are the only ones that matter, everyone else can just do one! He’s always so strong for me, putting my mind at rest and generally supporting me all the time. Love him so much and am so proud to be his man. Can’t wait to marry him and be his husband 

An old friend was part of our group, my old best friend’s partner Craig. It was so nice to see him, and he was so supportive towards both Adam and I. He told me that he and his partner Lewis would help us both as much as they could during this difficult time, which honestly nearly made me cry. It’s a shame that Lewis, his partner could not make the night, I miss him so much. He’s back in Birmingham next week though and we plan to see each other. I cannot wait, he’s been a huge part of my life and I really want him back in it. We fell out and stopped talking two years ago over something stupid and I’ve missed him so much. So glad I am back in contact with him.

We all sat down in the third bar after getting drinks, chatted to each other and I had a really good evening. I even put a name badge on which was a big thing for me, and Och, one of the lads, made one for Adam too, it said ‘I’m a wanna be’ which we all found really funny. It was a name tag that states Beyond Positive, a statement that yes, I have HIV, and I’m ok with that. Even though really, I’m no were near ok with it, it has only been a month after all. Felt good to wear it though, and I was proud of myself for putting it on.

After bar three Adam and I decided to call it a night and head home, we said our goodbyes and were on our way. Everyone was so nice, welcoming, supportive and just generally lovely. They are all so inspirational in my eyes, getting on with it and not letting HIV hold them back. I honestly cannot wait until I am at that stage, but I realise I have a long way to go.

It was an up and down night, mainly up though, and I feel so great about taking that first step, meeting people who have HIV. They all seem so happy and healthy, something I aspire to be as soon as is possible.

A new chapter of my life has started and I feel great about it. Just need to deal with my insecurities and get used to living with my little passenger. I need to realise that it’s not me, it just lives inside me, and that I can control it. These people have helped me to realise this and I’ll be thankful to them forever for that.

The story goes on, just as life does, and that light at the end of the tunnel has just got a lot brighter, and a lot closer.

DathomirDan.

Thanks for reading.

Emotional 48 Hours

It’s been a rough couple of days for me, been finding it very hard to cope mentally with everything and have decided it’s best if I take some leave from work. I was on a three day week but found that very hard, especially with the crap sleeping, concentration, and the lack of sleep.

Work is fine with it as it was a possibility we discussed before I started medication, still feel as I’m letting them down though, but I just can’t manage it at the minute.

It’s not all been doom and gloom though, my little brother has been opening up about how he feels which is nice, not that he is ill, but the fact that he can confide in me, which brings me great happiness. Really looking forward to seeing him Monday for a catch up, and just to spend some time with him one on one.

Had a bit of a breakdown yesterday which really shocked me. I’ve been trying to get hold of the works Occupational Nurse since 20th June and finally got hold of her yesterday, after breaking down on the phone to HR. She said the usual, that I am supposed to feel like this and that things will get better, but I feel slightly fobbed off. She said to call when I needed too, and I have since 20th June and got no reply, sent loads of e-mails and texts to her too, it seems to me like she didn’t really care, or maybe it’s just me?

Found out that my old best friend’s boyfriend will be attending the Beyond Positive pub crawl in Birmingham tonight, which I am attending with Adam. I’d fell out with Lewis over something silly roughly 2 years ago, and we hadn’t spoken since. I’d wanted to contact him for a while but was unsure about it, but when I found out yesterday that his boyfriend would be attending the pub crawl, I felt I needed to speak to him, if only for the heads up.

It was like we’d never stopped talking, was so nice just to hear his voice. We were very close for about 6 years, he put me up when my mom kicked me out and I was there for him when he was diagnosed in 2006. I’ve missed him so much, and feel so excited about seeing him next weekend. I suppose we have a bit to sort out, but I’m confident that it will be OK. I told him about my diagnosis and he was very supportive, giving me information on medication and living with HIV. I’m glad I’m not the only one who has contingency plans for everything, feel a bit more normal now lol.

Had a really deep conversation with Adam when he got back from work yesterday, getting everything off my chest about various subjects. I’m finding it hard to see things from his point of view about HIV, he’s been through so much and is very thick skinned, and I feel totally the opposite. We managed to get all our thoughts out and I for one feel better for doing so as a few things, and the way they were said, had really upset me over the past few weeks. I understand that it’s not him who has changed, he’s always been the strong one mentally, it’s me that’s changed, becoming paranoid, clingy, manically depressed and anxious all the time, just don’t want it to split us up as we’ve been through so much already.

Guess that’s one of my biggest fears to be honest, losing him. I’m confident though that we can work through this, and with time, I will get used to my HIV diagnosis, it’s just that the endless possibilities of what ‘might happen’ get lodged in my head and I find them hard to shake off. Mentally retarded at the minute!!

We’ve decided to start going on nights out separately as we always do things together, which will be healthy for our relationship. We’ve lived in each-others pockets for years now, and we need to have lives of our own too, and I really think he needs to have some ‘him time’ away from me and my wacky moods at the moment. Feel a bit apprehensive about going out on my own as he has been my rock throughout everything we have been through, and I guess I’m just used to him always being there, but I understand why we need to do this, so I’m more than prepared to ‘go it alone’ and get my life back into order. Feel like I’ve become a burden to him, doesn’t feel nice at all. He’s only just got his own life back after caring for his mother and nan for years, and now I’ve become the one that needs him to care for me. Hopefully this will pass, as he has reassured me that I’m not a burden, but the Occupational Health Nurse said I am…

Had so much flying round my head the past 48 hours that I’m actually sick of thinking and feeling. Didn’t realise it would be this hard but as everyone keeps saying, it will get better, and I’ll get used to my ‘new life’. Grieving still for my old one, as I have not felt like myself for such a long time, and it’s hard to see myself feeling like me again.

Pretty messed up but adamant that I will come through the other side of this.

Tonight will be good for me, meeting people face to face who have HIV, being out, and trying to enjoy myself. Just hope I can keep my depression and anxiety in check.

DathomirDan.

Thanks for reading.