Well, what can I say? What a night!
Last night I attended the Beyond Positive Pub Crawl in Birmingham, my first outing on the scene after diagnosis a month ago. I was nervous and highly anxious all day, and it took me forever to decide what I was going to wear #GayBoyProblems. So glad that Adam came with me, don’t think I’d have been as chatty if he wasn’t there, my confidence is on a very low ebb at the moment, and I’m finding it hard to interact with people.
We arrived at the first bar at 7.30 PM and I was shocked to see so many people there, and the red clothing – fair play guys. I was quite nervous but Adam was there so I felt I could do it. We got introduced to most of the group, got a drink, and the chatting started. We felt so welcomed by everyone and I felt happy I did not have to tell these people that I’m positive, as they already knew. After the first drink I felt more relaxed, but slightly bloated – damn you lager! After that drink we moved to the second bar just over the road, and that’s where I had a little shock.
We got into bar 2 and ordered a drink, I went with Pepsi as the beer had made my stomach feel off. We were chatting away then Adam and I decided to go out back to have a cigarette. Bad idea. Outside were two old friends that I had not seen in about 5 years, we said hello and caught up a bit, then they asked why I was out in Birmingham…
I lied to them and said we just fancied a night out, they did not believe me though. When we went back in I felt like crying and going home, I’d not planned on seeing people I knew well. Adam and the boys reassured me that it would be OK but I just felt like shit. I was so paranoid that they knew why I was here, with a bunch of people wearing red clothes. They came inside and saw me from across the room, they gave me funny looks, chatted to each other, laughed, then went back outside. Fucking hell.
I could have broke down then and there, but managed to keep it together. Adam and the lads were so supportive, telling me that they did not matter, and they have no confirmation why I was there anyway, still felt shit about it though. I tried to push them out of my mind but found that hard to do.
Just after that, one of the guys, Rick, stood next to me and took his meds. How brave is he! It was time to take mine too so I did, all down in one, which I had not done before as they are quite chunky and there’s 3 of them. Felt so proud of myself for doing it, especially in public. Cheered me right up.
We left the second bar shortly after, and went to bar three. The ex-friends were in there which was a bit shit, but we ignored them and went straight to the bar. Adam gave me a big hug and kiss, telling me not to worry about them, that the people who know are the only ones that matter, everyone else can just do one! He’s always so strong for me, putting my mind at rest and generally supporting me all the time. Love him so much and am so proud to be his man. Can’t wait to marry him and be his husband
An old friend was part of our group, my old best friend’s partner Craig. It was so nice to see him, and he was so supportive towards both Adam and I. He told me that he and his partner Lewis would help us both as much as they could during this difficult time, which honestly nearly made me cry. It’s a shame that Lewis, his partner could not make the night, I miss him so much. He’s back in Birmingham next week though and we plan to see each other. I cannot wait, he’s been a huge part of my life and I really want him back in it. We fell out and stopped talking two years ago over something stupid and I’ve missed him so much. So glad I am back in contact with him.
We all sat down in the third bar after getting drinks, chatted to each other and I had a really good evening. I even put a name badge on which was a big thing for me, and Och, one of the lads, made one for Adam too, it said ‘I’m a wanna be’ which we all found really funny. It was a name tag that states Beyond Positive, a statement that yes, I have HIV, and I’m ok with that. Even though really, I’m no were near ok with it, it has only been a month after all. Felt good to wear it though, and I was proud of myself for putting it on.
After bar three Adam and I decided to call it a night and head home, we said our goodbyes and were on our way. Everyone was so nice, welcoming, supportive and just generally lovely. They are all so inspirational in my eyes, getting on with it and not letting HIV hold them back. I honestly cannot wait until I am at that stage, but I realise I have a long way to go.
It was an up and down night, mainly up though, and I feel so great about taking that first step, meeting people who have HIV. They all seem so happy and healthy, something I aspire to be as soon as is possible.
A new chapter of my life has started and I feel great about it. Just need to deal with my insecurities and get used to living with my little passenger. I need to realise that it’s not me, it just lives inside me, and that I can control it. These people have helped me to realise this and I’ll be thankful to them forever for that.
The story goes on, just as life does, and that light at the end of the tunnel has just got a lot brighter, and a lot closer.
DathomirDan.
Thanks for reading.
Diagnosis Blues 