Tough Day

After a rough night’s sleep I had a feeling it would be a challenging day at work. Arrived at the usual time, set up my PC for the day and awaited 9 AM. I managed to last until 4 PM and I honestly don’t know how I did it.

I’ve had sickness and diarrhoea most of the day, along with headaches, muscle pain, sore stomach and a general low mood. Thought I was getting off lightly with side effects…not anymore! Only actually vomited once but that was more than enough, it’s the number 2’s that got to me the most. Being on the front line I sometimes have to work alone on the cash counter, and needing the loo and having to leave the counter unmanned can get me into trouble so I had that to deal with that too.

On top of the symptoms I’m already dealing with, I’m finding it really tough at work. I know it’s good for me mentally to be there, but physically it’s demanding. I find it hard to concentrate all day, especially when I have a bad night’s sleep, and I think I’m making the stomach pain worse by holding in flatulence until I’m either in the loo or outside smoking. Not ideal at all really. I’m on a reduced week as it is, having Tuesdays and Thursdays off, using up my flexi, and we’re really under staffed at the moment so there’s a bit of guilt thrown there too. Am I doing the right thing putting myself through this? Some say I should just get signed off but it’s not as simple as that. I’ve had 2 months off already this year and used up all of my full-pay sick time, the stress of having half pay would be detrimental to my mental state but at the moment I’m not too sure if I’m coping all that well.

Having the flexi days really does help as I get to recharge after each day at work. I do, however, find it hard to actually relax on these days and tend to clean and do other chores for most of the day. It’s like I want to keep busy to keep my mind off everything, but need to rest to recharge and can’t. Awkward!

I’m at the dreaded GP’s in the morning and I’m going to tell her everything that’s happened since starting medication and get her view of what I should do. I don’t really trust her anymore but have to deal with her until I’m stable enough to move GP’s and right now isn’t the time to do that. Feel quite frustrated about it all 😦

HR have been great with me so far and I don’t want to push my luck with them, but I’m finding that I’m starting to dread work days as I spend them paranoid, in pain and embarrassed that I might let flatulence slip or someone hears me in the loo. It all adds to my mental state which I think is declining each day, although my anti-depressants have increased (due to ART taking off 49% of their effects).

Sleeping is still a big issue too, still on Tamazipam each night, although I think she gave me the wrong dosage last week. 10 MG a night at the moment but the week before it was 20 MG. Even on the higher dose I still wake regularly and find it very difficult to get back to sleep. My dreams have been very vivid and violent which is worrying me, guess it’s just my subconscious playing me about, or it could be the medication.

Not at the HIV clinic until next Wednesday so guess I’ll have to rely on the GP until then, although that in itself is a huge challenge for me at the moment.

Still feel okay about taking the medication, and I know it will get better, just doesn’t seem that way at the minute. I’ve gone back to wearing my ‘mask’ at work which is a step back as I thought I was dealing with everything just fine a week ago. So up and down it’s making me dizzy just thinking about it.

Adam is still being great and looking after me really well, I’m surprised he’s not fed up with me, he must want to pick me up and shake me at times.  Don’t know where I’d be without him.

Hopefully this won’t last long and I can get some normality back into my life.

It’s not all sweet smelling roses even though the garden is in full bloom.

 DathomrDan.

Thanks for reading.

 

Lazy Sunday

It’s been a quiet one today, enjoyable though. Started off with what I’d consider a lie-in (6.30) but didn’t get out of bed until 7. Straight to the kitchen for my first breakfast then out with the dog for his morning walk. It was lovely out there first thing, sun shining and hardly any clouds in the sky, no traffic on the roads and all I could hear (apart from the dog’s panting) was birdsong. Seen as it was so early and no one was around I let Sammy off his lead so he could have a proper sniff about. He was really well behaved, waiting at each road for me to cross before he moved, nothing like he was when we first rescued him 2 years ago.

He was a little under-loved when we had him, kept outside, matted, flea ridden, bad diet, poop matted into his fur round his back end – the list goes on. Being a rough collie he needs brushing at least 4 times a week to stop the matting and lots of attention. He’s a really intelligent dog but was seen as a pest by his previous owner as he was not walked or given the attention he craved. Happy to say that he’s done a complete 180 turn. He’s so loving and well behaved, and all it took was a little time, some medical treatment, a change of diet and some TLC.

After the morning walk I did a bit of cleaning before Adam got up. We had coffee and chatted about how we both think the medication is going (Day 5 today) and both think I’ve been very lucky so far to have minimal side effects – just can’t wait for my symptoms to start going as I still get really frustrated with them, especially the night sweats and the pains from muscle loss/wastage. We then popped to the Sunday Market with Sammy for a walk round then brought him back home and went back out to get some shopping and do haircuts. The queue was quite long in the hairdressers so we decided not to wait and went to Morrison’s instead.

I started doing Yoga this morning, got the website from a nice chap on the forums when I posted my concerns on weight loss on the forums. It’s a 12 move newbie thing that I thought I’d give a go, don’t feel confident in joining a class at the minute. Painful is not the word, it looked so simple and easy from the pictures, and probably is for someone who isn’t in my situation, but it was very hard going on my muscles. I managed to complete the 12 steps, as demanding as it was, and will continue to do so each day now. Guess it’s just daunting at the moment, and I hadn’t realised how much muscle I’d lost, the pain doesn’t help either but I have to start somewhere.

Had a little ‘crystal time’ afterwards to try and centre myself, loosen up and relax. I lit some incense, made a triangle with 3 Quartz Rock Crystals and held my Amethyst Matrix in my upturned palms, closed my eyes and relaxed. Managed 5 minutes or so then Adam made a comment about a news article that was on Facebook – the London sperm bank offering £35 for donations – the moment was gone and I was not very happy about it – suppose it’s the context – me not liking the whole ‘sperm thing’ at the moment, every time I think about what’s in mine I go a little queasy to say the least – I went into the bedroom for a time out. After a time-out and a message to a friend on the forums I felt more relaxed so came back in and decided to put the dinner on, having lamb today, it’s been in the slow-cooker since 2 PM so should be lovely and tender to eat now. Been a good boy and got some green veg etc. to go with it which will be nice, forgot to get a sauce mix so had to settle for 2 pots of those little chicken stock things…woops!

Spent the afternoon and early evening watching the end of season 1 ‘Orange is the new black’ which ended really well, we’re 3 episodes into season 2 now and it’s getting better and better. Not much on Sky so plan on watching it until Big Brother is on, not sure what time that is though!

Feeling quite concerned about going to work tomorrow. Bit apprehensive and paranoid about it but it is doing me good to be out the house and doing something to get my mind working instead of thinking about HIV all the time. Finding it difficult to speak to colleagues about non-work related topics and keep going quiet, something I’m definitely have to work on. Guess it will come with time, and when I feel more confident about my situation. Wish there was a ‘fix all’ button I could press but that’s all that it is, a wish. I know I’ve got to do it the hard way and that’s going to take some time.

Appetite has been really good though, constantly eating which is cool, need to put on about 3 stone to bring myself up to optimum weight. Booked some time in with the online health trainer through tht to discuss some particulars but pretty happy with how it’s going so far.

Hopefully I’ll have a good night’s sleep so I feel refreshed for the week, got some crystals that aid sleep under my pillow and am thinking about brewing some sleep aid potion for myself, something with lavender in it should do the trick 🙂

Time to eat again so I’ll leave it at that. Hope you’ve all had decent weekends and that you’re okay.   Hugs to you all,

DathomirDan.

Thanks for reading.

Saturday Shopping.

It’s the weekend and Adam has been paid, I have to wait until Monday, but we still got to go shopping this morning. I’ve wanted a new laptop for about a year or so, but it kept being put off, until today.

It’s second hand but I don’t mind, got it from CEX in Bilston this morning and it was a cracking deal – Asus Notebook PC 10” – 4 GB ram 500 GB hard drive, HD, touch screen, windows 8.1 with Microsoft Office and all for £200! I’m pleased with it as I’ve been using a big clunky laptop for years that’s very worn out, so much so the battery stopped working so you had to use it plugged in and the disk drive fell off! It was past it to say the least.

Had a walk round Bilston after getting the laptop and picked up a few bits and bobs including my second breakfast which was lush – Gregg’s sausage and bacon roll – which went down very well. The market was full of sunglasses and loom sets, and not much else apart from the 4 fruit and vegetable stalls and this market won market of the year 2014. I swear nearly 80% of the stalls had loom packs for sale, obviously this fad is here to stay for a while. When we were in the pound shop we bumped into the lady who runs the pagan shop in town, got chatting and she told us about a daytrip to Glastonbury with some other pagans/spiritualists that’s happening on 19^th July. £16.50 a head, pretty decent, and we’re off work that week and looking for things to do so may very well go up Tuesday and book two seats on the bus. Not been to Glastonbury since the Midsummer Solstice in June last year to scatter Adam’s mom’s ashes, and Kyles, our black Labrador that passed last year. Will be nice to get up on the Tor and see for miles again, light some incense and relax with the wind blowing over me – let’s hope it doesn’t rain. A chance to do some intense crystal shopping too…I’m such an addict!

Got back and started running the setup on the Notebook at about 11 AM and left it whilst we popped to Morrison’s to grab something for dinner tonight. Came back and it was still running the start-up, managed to play around with it about 1 PM for 15 minutes and then was prompted to run the windows 8.1 update…it took until 3.45 to complete but was well worth the wait – so much more user friendly – you get the start button back and the browser is a lot better to handle now it’s back to the windows 7 setup.

Adam’s downloaded everything I need on here so it’s just a case of personalizing it now, which may take a while as I have no photo’s or anything on here yet. Looks like I’ll have to search through Dropbox for a nice compilation of photo’s for my desktop as the generic windows ones are not that appealing to be honest. Could do with downloading some music too, a nice up-beat compilation to listen too whilst browsing and writing would be cool. Can’t believe how good this little 10” whizzy thing is, I’ve been so out of date on technical stuff for a while and it’s showing as a I try to find my way through here. The touch screen is pretty mad, things swishing left and right, managed to open about 8 applications just by messing, was wondering why it had slowed down…Lol.

So I spent the rest of the afternoon playing about on the Notebook and watching ‘Orange Is the New Black’. On season 1 at the moment and finding it very funny but also quite deep, it’s like a pleasant version of ‘Bad Girls’ which was epic, went a bit off-the-rails on the last season but it was still cool. Really getting into it, the storyline is quite cool, her being locked up with her ex but being engaged to a straight man! Sounds like something off Jeremy Kyle but it is good, I’d recommend it anyway.

Had a much needed power nap at 4.30 – 6.45 PM which I dreamed I was a Jedi, flinging people about with my Force Powers – sure my sub-conscience is trying to tell me something. Since waking up I’ve played with the dog, been up the shop and read the funniest blog about a spoof book made up by a friend;

‘Couldn’t find any books i liked in Compton Hospice Coffee shop today. As such i have decided to write my own. The synopsis is below

The Colonel Conspiracy.

When a devilishly handsome, charming and intelligent man from Wolverhampton (with an awesome beard) accidentally crack a secret algorithm on the KFC website he discovers the colonel’s secret recipe. He goes on the run with his fat friend who has a small penis and is unsure of his sexuality to avoid a Cabal of secret assassins who work for KFC to protect the secret of the recipe from being disclosed to the whole world. To make matters worse a rival organization has sent out an army of killer clowns intent on getting hold of the recipe for their own nefarious purposes. Will they be able to stay alive for long enough to reveal the secret recipe or will they become another victim of a secret that is centuries old? More importantly will his fat friend be able to ever eat KFC again?

Whatcha reckon I think I might be onto a winner here’.

How funny?  Especially the army of killer clowns.  Lol.  Anyway, the dinner is on and I’m about to put my feet up, hope you are all enjoying your weekends.

Sending hugs to those who don’t feel too good,

DathmoirDan.

Thanks for reading.

 

A Long Time Dead

A Long Time Dead.

Ever heard that term before?  I hadn’t until I got my diagnosis, and now it seems to be in the forefront of my mind each and every day.

Having HIV is a shitter, I agree, but it’s how YOU deal with it that counts.  Over the last 5 years I became lazy, got into smoking weed and was out of work for 2 of those years, got into a right rutt and was very unhappy.  I was on anti-depressants and pain killers for what we thought at the time was a bad back and mental health problems, we know different now though.

It was very hard to get back into work and give up smoking weed, but it was ME who had to do it, no one else.  I went through insomnia due to stopping weed, which lasted roughly 4 months, had really bad confidence issues and was a social recluse.  The first step I took was to the Library for some self help books – very useful tools.  I revamped my CV, learnt how to put on a mask and away I went.

8 grueling months later I was back in work, 101 knockbacks from prospective employers and that constant craving for a spliff – I’d been hooked since 18 and it had become a way of life for me, how sad is that? – but I’d done it.  I gave 8 weeks of my time, FREE, to an employer and showed them what I was made of, I wasn’t happy about the working for free, but I did not let that show, I was also very mentally unbalanced and had a hard time covering that up too, but YOU CAN DO ANYTHING if you put your mind to it, stop thinking about it and actually DO IT.

I was one of those people who moaned about everything, how it was everyone elses fault, I was so, so wrong but I did not want to see that at the time.  It was all my fault, my choices and my laziness that had led me here and only me that could change it.  

It was like turning over a new leaf, stop taking, start giving.  Best thing I ever did, and yes, I am so much better off for it now.  I can actually live without ticking backy, booze and snacks from the local shop, not have to save up £2-3 every few weeks for things I needed etc.  The self reliance that brought was immense, and I’ll never give it up.

When I was diagnosed with HIV I almost let go of everything.  I was so close to hitting the booze and popping down the road to get an 1/8 from the local dealer but I didn’t.  I wanted to, really badly, but I didn’t.  I remembered one thing and one thing only, It’s my problem, deal with it.  

Life is hard, I know this, and some people get it worse than others, but there is ALWAYS someone worse off than you.  But if you keep going down the same paths you get stuck, each and every time.  You need to break free and live, not be controled by whatever ails you.  

The diagnosis has done one thing for me, gave me my love of life back, because when that was threatened, it was the scariest thing that had ever happened to me.  I decided then and there that I would not let this THING beat me, I put on my ‘brave mask’ and I carried on with my life.  Yes it’s hard at times, and yes, sometimes I feel like what’s the point?  But if I give into that now, then what was the point of trying at all?  Why not quit my job and go back on the dole?  Crawl into that hole that I came out of?

Because life is precious, life is short, and life is most definitely worth LIVING.

I plan to face my fear of hights, even if I shit my pants doing it, because I want to feel like I’m living.

I’m going to hold big fat hairy spiders, why should I be scared of them?

        Live, don’t dwell.

        Love, don’t hide.

        Be, don’t fade.

Love, light and Blessed Be,

DathomirDan.

Thanks for reading

Friday Feeling?

What a day.  Feel absolutely spent out on energy and feel like I could sleep for a week!  I’ve officially taken 2 doses of ART and the third comes tonight at 9 PM, and I’m happy to report that the only real side effects I’m getting is haziness in the mornings and flatulence all the time!  It’s quite embaressing to be fair, and the staff noticed today that I was taking hourly toilet breaks, let’s just hope they have not put 2 and 2 together, I’ve been holding them in but that just hurts my belly but they are just not pleasant AT ALL!  (TMI – I know, but you have to be honest, don’t you?)  🙂

Day started a little hazy but that cleared by the time I’d had a shower, got dressed for work and had a coffee.  The morning dog walk helped clear it too I think, all that lovely fresh air (we we’re out before the morning traffic :P) I didn’t even mind that it was raining, my anti-depressants are definitely working well!  Made the sandwiches and watched the news then left for work to get the bus, which freaked me out a little bit.  Everytime the bus turned my stomach churned and I thought I was going to throw up, managed not too though so that was epic.  Only ever had travel sickness on a ferry so it’s not something that’s common with me, must be the medication taking hold.

Got to work early and sorted myself out, then had my second breakfast.  Can’t seem to stop eating but I suppose that’s a good thing seen as I’ve been wasting away, I’d ate half my lunch by 11 so had to re-stock when I actually went on lunch.  The afternoon dragged right through until I left which is unusual, especially for the last friday of the month, the office is usually packed to the rafters with moaners and minkses – the rain must have put them off I guess.

Felt a bit paranoid at work to be honest, no one knows about my diagnosis apart from manager/senior manager and HR, but I feel it’s only a matter of time before it gets out.  Hope this feeling passes because it’ll drive me crazy if it doesn’t.  Held in most of my wind, which is bad for you, so I would not suggest it, you could spontaniously combust you know!  Didn’t speak to anyone about non-work things and tried to keep my head down and get on with it but that’s hard to do when it’s quiet, especially when you’re on with a chatterbox like I was today.  She’s a nice girl but never comes up for air.  Don’t usually find her annoying but today I did, hope it didn’t show too much, I know my face lets me down with my emotions as I wear my heart on my sleve, gets me into trouble at times.  

Was really glad to get out at 4.30 and said a very quick goodbye to everyone, left that quickly that I left my new ‘Lightsaber Umberella’ in the office – wounded – looks like we’ll have to use Adam’s Samurai Sword one when it rains the weekend.  Went straight for the bus with my head down, eyes on the pavement so no one would chat to me and sat well away from everyone on the bus.  some lady did my head in, she sat 2 rows behind me and kept coughing, not covering her mouth and spewing all her germs into the air, I gave her a riffy look, moved to the front then sanitized my hands – a bit on top I know but my immune system is running at 26.2% – aint got time for her germs!

Changed buses in Wolverhampton onto the little yellow ‘banga bus’ – that’s the company logo and it is very fitting.  Their drivers have their own set of road laws and speed limits which is pretty wild, my knuckles were white whilst holding onto the 1970’s style seats – probably originals – as we screamed round corners and through red lights.  Made it back to Bilston in record time.

As soon as I was off the yellow bus of mayhem I called Adam and he was setting off for Morrisons, I met him there and grabbed dinner and put the Euro on for tonight, fingers crossed 🙂

At home now with my feet up feeling extremely tired, so much so, I’ve forced myself to have a coffee after 6 PM – naughty!  We haven’t got much planned for the weekend, but I do pick up my new Ultrabook tomorrow, a new gadget to play with and blof from that’s a lot faster than the hunk of junk I’m using at the moment – a 12 yr old hand me down that doesn’t even have windows – yeah, that’s right, I have to write in Wordpad and its shitty – roll on tomorrow 🙂

Recharging my battery is top of the list along with spending quality time with my man and the pets.  The garden needs some work – bit of weeding and mowing – will see how I feel and if it rains or not I suppose.  I’m a quarter of the way into my latest Star Wars Novel and I love those, so wouldn’t mind reading and listening to the rain coming down, want to get it finished as I picked up Scott Marini’s new Ben Hope novel in the week and I’m dying to catch up with him!

Hope you all have a good weekend and that you’re well,

DathomirDan.

Thanks for reading.

Missed off yesterday.

Missed a couple of things out on my blog yesterday, think I was so focused on getting my results and telling my family and focused on that, but there’s a few bits I felt I should add today.

Yesterday morning I was up at 5 AM.  I was really frustrated as I’d had a terrible night’s sleep waking first at about 3AM, then tossing and turning until I finally got that pissed off I got up.  I had a coffee and sat down in the living room and had a think.  I’d got a song stuck in my head from The Lego Movie, if you’ve seen it, you will know which one…’Everything is awesome’.  Adam has it as his ringtone on his mobile and has been singing it since we watched it on Saturday, which I was starting to get annoyed with.  With my depression I did not think everything was ‘awesome’ and voiced that to him Sunday night.  I sat in the living room and could not get it out of my head, I was looking round the room to find the ornament I liked least and felt like taking it outside and smashing it to peices (not done something like that in about 4-5 years) and that was worrying.

When Adam got up at 7 AM I was making his sandwiches.  I went to ask him if he would mind taking the ringtone off as it was annoying me, and as I opened my mouth, guess what happened? ‘Everything Is Awesome’ started spewing from his phone…I lost the plot, litterally, walked into the kitchen and kicked the bin, sending the lid flying off – I made sure I kicked the side as the bin cost £20.00 and did not want to put a hole in it – and started crying, shaking and shouting about ‘That Fucking Song’!  Adam came in and gave me a hug but I could not calm down.  Our friend and dog treat baker was on her way over so I went into the garden with a handful of tissues to try to calm down and stop crying.  He removed the ringtone straight away.

When she arrived I was busying myself weeding the boarders with a tissue in one hand dabbing my eyes.  The level of the conversation dropped for a few seconds so I think Adam was telling her I was having a moment.  I decided to come in and say good morning, put on a brave smile and act normal.  As soon as I got through the door and said good morning she asked me what was up…I let it all out through sobs and runny nose blows.  Told her about the diagnosis and how it had affected me mentally, that I was worrying about my results and the fact I was going to tell my family later.  She was fantastic, hugging me and kissing me and telling me everything would be fine.  She told me what it was like in the 80’s and how it is now, and that she was shocked that she had never caught it – she must have been a little minx through her life – and she really calmed me down and put me at ease.  She stayed for a coffee then went off to work.

When she had gone I told Adam that she had asked what was wrong, and that I just spurted it all out!  He was glad that I had told her as she is a friend who cares about us both a lot.  Think I just needed to get out how I felt about going for the results today, and I guess it was a practice disclosure for when I tell my family – which went very well 🙂

The other thing I missed out was my Tarrot reading that Adam did for me last night.  I only do it on rare occasions as that’s what they are meant for.  Overusing them for everyday questions can get you confused and obsessed, Big questions and life changing events are worth looking into though.  Adam’s mom raised him as a Pagan and she herself was a high priestess.  I’ve always been more of a humanist and spiritualist and that kind of goes hand in hand with Paganism.  The cards we use were Adam’s mothers, they are roughly 20 years old, in fantastic condition and are always wrapped in black velvet when not in use, and placed into a decorative rosewood box that has a pentacle carved into it.  Each and every time the cards have been used, they have been so precise to peoples situations that it’s a little scarey.  Adam has read for people he does not know and reduced them to tears (not intentionally) with the accuracy and honesty of the readings.

My reading was fantastic. It was a 7 card Horse-shoe spread with an 8th card for an overview.  It started with a life changing event, on to patience, the goal of being understood for who I am, influences from a strong man (Wonder who that is?), hidden influences from friends and family, fears were not being able to control my situation and outcome was acceptance of my situation and moving on with life.  The overview card was mastery of emotions and situation.  Very ‘positive’ indeed!  I know not everyone believes in things like Crystal Healing and Tarrot etc and that’s their choise/view and I understand that.  I was forced to attend a Roman Catholic Primary and Secondary school but was baptised Church of England – weird I know as they have conflicting views, but never really believed in one all-powerful creator.  I’m much more for life and nature, growing and being and it took a while for me to fit into this category after being ‘indoctrinated’ as a child.  I strongly believe children should learn all religeons then pick one when older, if they want to that is.

Anyway, religions aside, I had a great reading, told 4 people in total about my HIV+ diagnosis and feel fantastic.  I asked Adam to put his ringtone back to ‘Everything Is Awesome’ and he smiled and played it for me, no anger at all.  Funny that 😛

Sorry I left this out yesterday and hope you don’t mind catching up with it today!  Take it easy people,

DathomirDan.

Thanks for reading.

And Finally, My Life Begins Again.

Interesting day I’ve had today, positive from the outstart as I knew I’d be getting all my results and starting medication.  Had a rough nights sleep though and some pretty bad dreams so that got me emotional in the morning, but by the time I got to the HIV Clinic with Adam I was just anxious really, wanting to know finally what is what and start Atripla.

So we went in at 10 AM to see the Dr and she was bright and bubbly as per usual.  We discussed how I’d been, how I felt and generally what I’ve been upto.  I told her I’d had a rough night and that I thought some side effects had got worse, but I was coping OK and looking forward to starting medication.  We went through the CT scan and discovered all my Lymph nodes are swollen, as well as my spleen and liver.  She said that with the Lymph nodes, having all swollen was normal, and having just one that had gone big would have lead to her getting a biopsy and worrying about the big C.  That was a huge weight off my mind.  Next we went on to my Viral Load – Adam and I had set a bet that whoever guessed closest would not have to cook dinner, I picked anything over 3 million, Adam had anything lower – It came in at 31,161.  No where near what I’d thought it would be, so chuffed with the result even though I had to cook dinner tonight 🙂

We then went on to the resistance test…and could not find it!  After being left in the room with Adam for roughly 10 minutes the Dr was back and the news was very annoying.  Due to the form not being filled out correctly (one box not being ticked) the tests have simply not been done.  They have the blood and I don’t have to give them any more for them to do it (GOOD) so the Dr appologised, admited it was her fault and spoke to the bloods team at Birmingham in front of me to arrange them being rushed through.  Due to this fact though, I could not start Atripla.

Finding this out gutted me, my face dropped and my jaw was hanging off it’s hinges.  It was obvious I was devestated as from the start of going to the clinic, the plan was to take this drug.  I felt let down and my confidence had been knocked in them, just like at my GP’s.  I was given another option as I really wanted to start medication today, so after about an hour’s debate we came up with a viable ‘plan B’.  I’ve been prescribed;

Truvada (Tenofovir 245mg/Emtricitabine 200mg)
Darunavir 800mg
Ritonavir 100 mg

Felt really odd to go from planning for one tablet daily then jumping to three due to a box not being ticked.  I did have the option to wait until the results were back but I was dead set on not leaving the clinic this morning without medication.

The combination will probably turn out to be better for me as I have depression and anxiety, and it is likely that Atripla would affect this.  I feel now after it has sunk in that it was the right decision for me to take today and theres not much difference between 1 and 3, not since I’m on between 5 and 7 already.  That will be reduced though as the ART takes effect in my system and my ‘symptoms’ melt away 🙂

So, no cancer, not on the path I thought I would be but I’ve now started my medication – Chuffed.

The Interesting Bit

So, you may remember I decided to tell my mom and two brothers about being HIV+ and this evening it happened.  I think I’m still in shock about how I handled it, let alone them!!!   I’d written out notes that I got OK’d at the HIV clinic today and practised what I was going to say but still felt very anxious and shakey when they all got here.  So glad Adam was there and that he knows probably more than I do about the subject as my memory has not been too good since I found out.  I got through start to finish and through all the questions without a single tear from ANYONE – Me included, how very strange yet fantastic at the same time 🙂

They all took it really well, asked loads of questions and we were able to answer them all.  They were shocked (like I was) but very understanding of why I had waited until I knew exactly what was going on, and had learnt about the virus enough to answer their questions.  Adam was a complete star as per usual, very informative, helping me out when he saw I was struggling with correct terminology and generally just being there for me.  He’s my rock and my world, don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank him enough for his love and support.  

There were a fair few questions that you would expect like what?, where?, when? and who?  which were all answered confidently by both of us.  They say good teams work well under pressure and that was proven today.  It’s a bit hard to pick out specific questions and answers to actually tell you about because there were so many, but they took it so very well, and have been nothing but understanding, supportive and full of love for me.  I feel like a light is shining on me today, one that will never go out as I have a loving partner and a family that understand me better now.  It’s a relief to all of us that I have a diagnosis after being ill for so long, even though it is HIV, it’s not as bad as the big C which was discussed at length!

The mood was brought down when my older brother brought up ‘our’ father, not intentionally, but they know full well I have washed my hands of him, even if they can’t/wont.  I told him that if he felt that he really needed to tell him then he could, but if he tries to contact me there would be a problem.  He’s not bothered with me for 11 years, why start now?  Pitty not wanted, or you’re money ‘Mark’, I’ve dealt with that already and have moved on.  It’s going to stay that way.  From the way he approached the subject it was clear that he’d already told him that I was unwell and was testing my reaction to what he should tell him next.  Pissed me off a bit that he’s discussing my health with someone who hasn’t bothered for 11 years, but I truely do understand why he does talk to him, mainly pitty and guilt after he tried to become the ‘father figure’ during the divorce years and the very difficult forced visits I had to make for 8 long years.  We’re not going to let that get us down though are we?  Never, it’s already dealt with 🙂

The party broke up when my 8 PM alarm went off to get ready to start dinner, we had prolonged goodbyes, group hugs, kisses, back slaps – the works.  And still not one tear shed!!!
So proud of myself, my partner Adam and my fantastic family, love them all so much and so glad that it’s all out.  So happy that my cheeks are actually aching now as I can’t stop smiling.  I actually danced whilst I was cooking dinner with a big smile on my face, something that’s not happened in a long time!  Enjoyed dinner and taken my first dose, feeling great even though my cheeks hurt.  So full of love at the minute that I hope I feel like this forever.  We can but wish hey *wink*

DathomirDan.

Thanks for reading x

Sorting Day

Today was a rest day for me as I’m currently only working Monday, Wednesday and Friday each week, but to be honest, I’ve done no ‘resting’ at all really.  It’s my second rest day so far as I had my first on Thursday last week, ended up cleaning for most of the day amongst other things.  I’ve kept quite busy today mainly because I felt a bit anxious about a few things.

At 8 AM this morning I was at the doctor’s surgery for my weekly appointment.  My doctor was late to work, arriving at 8.12 and that was when the fun started.  She called me straight through and sat me down, asked how I’d been feeling, so I told her.  I’d written out a (long) list of symptoms that have in my opinion got worse over the last week so we went through those.  She’d made a referal to a Psychologist last week and told me that they would call me (last week) and asked if I had been contacted, “No, I haven’t” was my response, “Oh” was hers.  She then went to log on to her computer… Not this morning Dr!  All the wires had been taken out of her PC and the mouse was ‘missing’.  At this point, along with the extra wait I wasn’t feeling all that good about her, as I haven’t since I’ve been diagnosed.  She told me that she would have to print my prescriptions – Tamazipam, Tramadol and Sertraline – in another room but first she would check my blood pressure.  She brought in a blood pressure gadget and put in on me and pressed start, it didn’t do anything.  She huffed and puffed and said she was having a bad morning (I can see love) and went to get another.  Put that one on and she pressed start, fail number two!  The third one she found worked, thankfully, but she never did tell me my blood pressure…

After she’d popped out to print my prescriptions she came back and handed them to me and said I should return in a week.  I asked her for a new appointment card as the one I have has been filled, litterally front and back.  Do you think she could find one?  Such a joke.  We then went through to reception so she could write it down on a piece of scrap paper and said see you in a week.  What a knob.  I had no confidence in her the minute I was diagnosed HIV+ after my partner booked us in for a THT test for HIV as she clearly missed the fact.  I had to demand blood tests from her, otherwise I’d still be getting fobbed off with anti depressants and sleeping tablets and being told I’d be fine… With today’s fuck-up (Yup, that’s what it was, unprepared and just fucked up really) my confidence has gone in to the minuses.  I can not wait to change GP’s and am going to look into it ASAP.  I will be putting in an official complaint about everything but don’t want to put it in whilst I’m still there.

Should have checked my prescriptions before I left.  She upped my dose of Tamazipam to 20 mg last week, yet this week she has prescribed me 10 mg for 7 tablets….I’m not fantastic at Math but if I’m supposed to be on 20 mg a night, why only prescribe 10 mg a night? Dick!  She was rushing around, clearly not ready to see me, she was late, she had not even tried logging in to her PC before she called me in, the equiptment she tried to use did not work and now she’s buggered up my prescription.  I’m not made of money love, it’s costing me a small fortune for prescriptions each month, usually between 3 and 5 items at £8.05 a pop.  Definitely looking into getting one of those certificates that you pay a set price for when I get paid.

So, almost an hour after I got in there I managed to get out.  I wasn’t happy with her to say the least, but I’d got my medication.  I went straight to Morrison’s which is next door to the doctors and put my prescriptions in, 3 separate ones, what a waste of paper, they could have all gone on one!  £24.15 pence lighter I picked up a few bits (cat and dog food and a new book – half price – bargain!) then went to collect my medication.  Went home and sorted out the medical drawer (yup, we have a whole drawer!) and had a coffee and a roll-up and tried to relax a bit, didn’t work though.  I was soon up, putting the washing on and cleaning.  

At 10.45 I left the house as I’d booked an appointment to set up a new bank account at 11 AM (booked it Saturday) and on the way I went to the pound shop as I’d left a little early seen as the bank is litterally 1 street away from me.  I picked up some post-it notes as we are running low (been making lots of lists lately) and I was looking for a diary to use for when I start my medication to jot down how I feel each day and if I have any side effects.  They didn’t have any so I settled for an A5 notebook.  After getting these bits I went to the bank for my appointment.  I got there 5 minutes early but ‘Kate’ called me straight over as she had been expecting me.  What a lovely girl she is, asked how I was and why I wanted to set up an account so I was honest with her, my local branch at my current bank has been closed, making the closest branch in Wolverhampton which was fine when I was based at that office, I have been diagnosed with a life-changing illness (That’s what me, Adam, HR, the occupational health nurse and my senior manager came up with for people that really don’t need to know about you-know-what!) and that it would be easier for me to have an account with this bank.  She was ever so understanding and offered me kind words of support.  I advised her to excuse my sweating as I can’t help it at the moment, the window’s were not open in there and the door was shut to outside so I was getting quite warm at this point.  Then we went through the setup of the account, I thought it was going to take about 45 minutes at least, I was out of there after 25 minutes!  She couldn’t do enough for me and we chatted like we were mates, enquiring about holidays etc.  I noticed she had an award of excellence for Customer Service and I could clearly see why she had been awarded it and told her so.

What a difference in appointments hey?!?!  I went home feeling great and it was all down to her, what a little super star.  When I got home I cleaned up a bit more, hung out the washing then sorted out my half of the filing cabinet – something I’d put off for a good year, I had just been wedging everything in one bit (very unorganized) but now it’s all sorted out, sections for this and that, clearly labeled – I surprise myself at times 🙂  After that I started working on notes…

Last night I decided that it was time to tell my family that I have HIV.  I get the rest of my results tomorrow and they know I have an appointment so I’ve asked them all to come round tomorrow night.  I’ve told them about some of my health problems, just not the ‘I have HIV bomb’.  It’s just my mom and two brothers – not spoken to my ‘dad’ in years, since I was 19 and coming out (30 now), which he did not like and said he would never except!  Good job my parents got divorced when I was 8 and that I legally had no obligation to go and see him any more, as when I was 8-16 I had to go for 2 nights a week…nightmare!  Never wanted to go and he always picked on me – “should have been a girl” – I was an emotional child who did not like football and was not racist or bigoted like him…what a prat, but that’s another story 🙂

I’ve written out some notes about HIV and the medication I’m due to start tomorrow and I’ve got leaflets etc to help me explain to them.  I’ve even got a video from http://www.MyHIV.org.uk to show them and a few from Youtube regarding HIV and people living with it.  I’ve tried to keep it informative but have put in a few bits like ‘don’t google HIV’ and ‘I’m not going to die, I’ll live a long and healthy life’ but I know my mother is a worrier so don’t think it’ll help her all that much to be fair.  My brothers will no doubt put the notes to good use.  I’ve put down websites they should visit that will help them understand better about the virus too, and a few things like ‘I’m going to face my fears’, ‘I’m going to get healthy and put on weight/muscle’ (I’m a bit Anemic at the moment and have lost about 1/4 of my body weight in roughly 6 months) and ‘I’m going to live life’.  Bit dramatic but I need them to understand I’m not going to die next week!!! Seriously – my mom probably will think I’m going too – it’s going to be a long evening!

Feel prepared yet slightly anxious about it all.  Adam will be there to support me as per usual so that’s an added bonus.  My family has had some up’s and down’s with Adam over the years, we have been through some mighty rough patches and come through the other end, and they were really funny with him this one time – him and my mom were text arguing and I wasn’t even aware of it, we met at the Christmas Market in Birmingham and they ignored him all night – I sorted them out though.  Hopefully things will go well but I’m still anxious…

I know they will think I’ve got it off Adam – that will be all of their first thoughts.  So glad I haven’t passed it on to him, it’s nothing short of a miracle as we’ve been together 6 years.  The HIV specialist I see think’s he may be immune to HIV, she mentioned Delta32 – here’s a couple of links to it if you fancy reading them; http://genetics.thetech.org/original_news/news13  http://www.nature.com/scitable/blog/viruses101/hiv_resistant_mutation  He’s either Delta32 or i’s a miracle, either way I’m happy he is negative 🙂

This brought me up to around 4 PM and Adam was still at work.  Tried to read my book (star wars novel) but none of it was sticking, re-read the same chapter twice and still couldn’t remember what had gone on, will try again tomorrow I guess!  Adam got back around 5.30 and we’ve been catching up about each others days and discussing what to have for dinner.  Blog is done and said dinner is in the oven and nearly done.

That’s been my day, sorting out stuff on my rest day again…

DathomirDan.

Thanks for reading 🙂

A Lovely Sunny Saturday

A Lovely Sunny Saturday.

Had a lovely day yesterday (apart from the 4 AM start – Damn you night swets and insomnia), it started with a coffee then an hour and fifteen minute walk with the dog at around 6 AM.  We went through the local Morrison’s car park and round to the field behind, no one was about and the weather was beautiful, not a cloud in the sky and the morning sun blazing down, one of those mornings that makes me feel happy to be alive 🙂  From the field we took a stroll through the leisure center’s foot path and up on to the main road in Bilston.  I took Sammy over the high bridge which I’m usually scared to cross but made myself look over, both directions, which was surreal as I usually stare straight ahead and stop talking until I’m on the other side lol.  From there we toddled down the high street which was busy with lorries stocking shops and the fruiters putting out their goods, round down to the town hall (one of my work offices) and then down past the police station where there is lots of grass, Sammy liked that bit.  From there we crossed the island, took a right by the shop then finally got home at roughlt 7.15 AM.  The poor dog was a bit tired, he had his dental stick and went straight to sleep on the rug!

I cleaned up the kitchen and did the washing up, the washing machine was already loaded by Adam last night so I added the Ariel Gel and Fabric Conditioner but didn’t switch it on seen as Adam was still sleeping.  Managed to have a wash and do my hair in silence before taking the dog, and tip toe round the bedroom to get underware and clothes – quite stealthy at times – and make a coffee all without waking him, he deserves a lye in, he is a super star after all, he puts up with me 😛

After I’d cleaned the kitchen I decided to take the recycling out, got to the bin only to realise my neighbour has put general waste in there, loads of little tied carrier bags, the smell was putrid
I took it all out and sorted through it then came back in and vigorously washed my hands about 4 times.  The ‘new neighbours’ (I use that term losely as she has been sub-letting the place and claiming benefits on it for the past 5 years but has been found out, now she’s had to move back in, didn’t realise she was bringing a platoon of 4 others with her to stay in a 1 bed though!) are a bit of a problem to say the least.  It’s not only them up there in the 1 bed, it’s a dog that looks so timid and under fed that I cried when I first saw it, and when Adam was out in the garden last week, he looked up to the window to see a kitten up there balancing on the window ledge.  The smell of the communal area inside the block (low rise) is eye watering to say the least, I actually prefer the smell of Canabis from the other neighbours to be fair…

Didn’t let it get me down though, just put BBC news on and made a coffee and had myself a banana and some of those yoghurt filled breakfast biscuits to tide me over for a bit.  Adam stirred around 8.45 so made him a coffee too and we caught up on the news etc.  After that we went up town to get something for lunch and dinner then came back and watched the rest of S2 The Following – ended really well although we now have to wait until early next year for the next series 😦  We’ve found a few other serises to watch though so that should keep us busy of a school night for a while).

At around 4 PM Adam took the dog for his second walk and I jumped in the shower and got changed, he did the same when he got back then we set out for West Bromwich at 5.15 to meet a very nice chap from the http://www.MyHIV.org.uk forum for a coffee at the new Costa there.  I was a bit nervous as it was my first time meeting someone else with HIV but with Adam there I felt more secure.  We had Iced Coffee’s (well Adam and Och did, I had 2 Red Berry Iced Fruit drinks – yum) and a very good chat about the little stowaway we both carried in our systems.  It was great to finally meet him as he has given me so much help and advise online and he is a genuinely great guy.  We discussed both our diagnosis’ and bits and bobs about who we’ve told and how it went which was an eye opener, and I even got to see the size of the pill I’m going to hopefully be starting on Wednesday (You’re a great guy Och and I look forward to getting to know you more, hopefully see you at the Positive Pub Crawl in July!).  The pill isn’t even as big as the vitamin pill I’m currently taking so it will be a doddle to swallow, just hope the side effects are short and not too bad 🙂  I loved the little pill-holder idea, going to put one on my wish list on Amazon, great little mini thing that holds a pill and attaches to your keys – brilliant idea!!!

Adam was very involved in the conversation at all points which was good, explaining things I hadn’t and supporting me like he usually does, I think we all got on great.  Adam said he’ll come to the Positive Pub Crawl with me too so that’s a bonus.  I will have to attend the Newly Diagnosed Weekend in November on my own though so it’s best I get out and meet as many people who are attending from Birmingham/Wolverhampton so I don’t feel so nervous.  Och filled me in on what happens there and it seems like a great weekend.  I know it will get a bit emotional, especially if I start sharing my story (I can be quite a blubber pants when it comes to emotions – seriously – I cry at BGT and adverts on TV) but I want to do it as I know it will help me to better understand myself and others living with the virus.  He told me of the wide range of people who attend to do the workshops and breakout sessions so there is going to be a great knowledge base at my fingertips so I best take a pad and pen as sometimes things don’t stick when I’m emotionally charged 🙂
He’s also invited me to join in on the Saturday sessions at the QE in Birmingham for HIV which I may look into, sounds like I could learn a lot from there – and I know someone who goes there now so it wont feel as daunting 🙂

After we said our goodbye’s we parted ways and started the journey home.  We text a few times on the way back to say we would keep in touch etc.  Must remember to be on Shoutbox Monday night – I’ll put it on my http://www.tht.org.uk appointment reminders so I don’t forget.  So many useful tools on the site which I plan to use fully over the years.  Adam and I discussed how well the meeting went and we’re both looking forward to the pub crawl in Brum in a few weeks time, should be a whole new learning experience and I’m sure we’ll both make some new friends 🙂

We had faggots, chips and pea’s for tea….smothered in gravey….yum.  We watered the gardens with miracle grow whilst it was cooking and managed to get it done before it was ready, then sat down to watch S2 Hannibal which is another epic series, if you haven’t watched it, you should – if thriller/horror is your kind of thing that is.  We plan to watch the last episode today then watch The Lego Movie – I’m dead excited about it, could do with a good giggle.  The trailers look fantastic and I adored all the Lego based games like Star Wars Lego – Hilarious stuff (bit of a Star Wars freak, got over 90 novels and even have Lego models of loads of the vehicles!) .  

Sammy’s best friend Kayla is due round this afternoon to top up his treat box so he will be excited, it’s also Sunday Market so we take him every week, some of the stall holders love him to bits and always want to give him some love.  Got to stay in routine even if this HIV+ diagnosis has flipped my life on it’s head – can’t let it win now, can I?  No way, hosay!

Hope you all have a fabulous Sunday and that you all enjoyed yesterday’s sun,

Catch you all soon,

DathomirDan.

Thanks for reading.

It’s The Weekend!

It’s the weekend!

Today went OK at work, no drama’s or anything so that was not stressful.  Finished early at 4 PM and managed to get home for 4.50 PM, came straight in and put my feet up on the settee!  We took the dog for a walk later than we usually do as it was still really warm out there, all that fur on him, the poor thing, he still panted all the way round. He’s relaxing in the garden in the shade now, think he’s sleeping bless him.

Anyway, I’ve finally sorted out some http://www.tht.org.uk counselling sessions.  I get six and have booked 3 up already, consecutive Thursdays from the first week in July, earlier ones were not available, guess they get snapped up pretty quickly.  Felt good about doing it as I didn’t have much trust in the counsellor I saw through work earlier in the year, she came across as a clock watcher and didn’t really take all that much in about me.  She asked me the same questions multiple times and I had to inform her I’d already told her, that does not sound like a good counsellor to me!  Don’t think I gelled with her either, maybe because we didn’t really know what was going on or maybe because I just found something off about her?  Well, I wont be seeing her again anyway.

I think I’ll benefit from a THT counsellor, knowing that they understand about the subject puts me at ease, having it over Skype (text only) is convenient as I’ve booked the appointments on my rest days from work, no travel included which is a bonus (although I do have a bus pass) and I’ll probably open up more to them due to that key thing – knowledge about the situation.  I’ve read the THT website and the counselling sounds really good.  I’ve also spoken to people about it on the http://www.MyHIV.org.uk forum who recommend it, the guys on the forum are a great bunch – if not for knowledge and experience, then just for a general chat which is relaxing – something I find hard to do at the moment.

The first appointment is 8 days after I (hopefully) start medication, thought it best to leave a week just in case I do get side effects (thinking about those quite a bit at the moment).  I know not everyone gets them, but with supposedly having the virus for 6-7 years I’m a bit worried as my immune system has taken a beating.  Suppose it’s because I already have a long list of aches, pains, insomnia etc and wouldn’t like this to worsen.  It is a possibility and for this reason I am trying to prepare myself for it.  The meds will do me good in the long run and that is what I want – also the undetectable VL as my partner is negative (not that I’m either in the mood for sex or would ever dream about having unprotected sex ever again!) and I am scared of putting him at risk.

Adam and I are meeting someone from the forums this Saturday for a coffee which is something good to look forward too (you may notice I use the word good a lot – it’s because I don’t want to over-use ‘positive’).  He seem’s like a really nice chap and has been posting on my posts and messaging me support since I joined the forum.  It will be nice to meet someone else face to face who has HIV and I’ll probably get loads out of the encounter – plus it gets me out and about 🙂
Making friends is what I need to do at the moment, and I’ll be attending a Newly Diagnosed Weekend in November too so knowing someone before hand will make it less daunting.

Apart from the coffee, not planning on doing that much this weekend.  The grass needs cutting and there are probably some weeds hiding in the boarders which will need some attention.  We’ll probably watch the rest of S2 The Following as it’s Epic – can’t stop watching it, we did 3 episodes last night alone!  Speaking of gardening, it needs watering after todays sunning so I best get on that.  Being lazy and having take-away tonight and I’m even treating myself to a white wine spritza, it is Friday after all 🙂

DathomirDan.

Thanks for reading x