It’s been a rough couple of days for me, been finding it very hard to cope mentally with everything and have decided it’s best if I take some leave from work. I was on a three day week but found that very hard, especially with the crap sleeping, concentration, and the lack of sleep.
Work is fine with it as it was a possibility we discussed before I started medication, still feel as I’m letting them down though, but I just can’t manage it at the minute.
It’s not all been doom and gloom though, my little brother has been opening up about how he feels which is nice, not that he is ill, but the fact that he can confide in me, which brings me great happiness. Really looking forward to seeing him Monday for a catch up, and just to spend some time with him one on one.
Had a bit of a breakdown yesterday which really shocked me. I’ve been trying to get hold of the works Occupational Nurse since 20th June and finally got hold of her yesterday, after breaking down on the phone to HR. She said the usual, that I am supposed to feel like this and that things will get better, but I feel slightly fobbed off. She said to call when I needed too, and I have since 20th June and got no reply, sent loads of e-mails and texts to her too, it seems to me like she didn’t really care, or maybe it’s just me?
Found out that my old best friend’s boyfriend will be attending the Beyond Positive pub crawl in Birmingham tonight, which I am attending with Adam. I’d fell out with Lewis over something silly roughly 2 years ago, and we hadn’t spoken since. I’d wanted to contact him for a while but was unsure about it, but when I found out yesterday that his boyfriend would be attending the pub crawl, I felt I needed to speak to him, if only for the heads up.
It was like we’d never stopped talking, was so nice just to hear his voice. We were very close for about 6 years, he put me up when my mom kicked me out and I was there for him when he was diagnosed in 2006. I’ve missed him so much, and feel so excited about seeing him next weekend. I suppose we have a bit to sort out, but I’m confident that it will be OK. I told him about my diagnosis and he was very supportive, giving me information on medication and living with HIV. I’m glad I’m not the only one who has contingency plans for everything, feel a bit more normal now lol.
Had a really deep conversation with Adam when he got back from work yesterday, getting everything off my chest about various subjects. I’m finding it hard to see things from his point of view about HIV, he’s been through so much and is very thick skinned, and I feel totally the opposite. We managed to get all our thoughts out and I for one feel better for doing so as a few things, and the way they were said, had really upset me over the past few weeks. I understand that it’s not him who has changed, he’s always been the strong one mentally, it’s me that’s changed, becoming paranoid, clingy, manically depressed and anxious all the time, just don’t want it to split us up as we’ve been through so much already.
Guess that’s one of my biggest fears to be honest, losing him. I’m confident though that we can work through this, and with time, I will get used to my HIV diagnosis, it’s just that the endless possibilities of what ‘might happen’ get lodged in my head and I find them hard to shake off. Mentally retarded at the minute!!
We’ve decided to start going on nights out separately as we always do things together, which will be healthy for our relationship. We’ve lived in each-others pockets for years now, and we need to have lives of our own too, and I really think he needs to have some ‘him time’ away from me and my wacky moods at the moment. Feel a bit apprehensive about going out on my own as he has been my rock throughout everything we have been through, and I guess I’m just used to him always being there, but I understand why we need to do this, so I’m more than prepared to ‘go it alone’ and get my life back into order. Feel like I’ve become a burden to him, doesn’t feel nice at all. He’s only just got his own life back after caring for his mother and nan for years, and now I’ve become the one that needs him to care for me. Hopefully this will pass, as he has reassured me that I’m not a burden, but the Occupational Health Nurse said I am…
Had so much flying round my head the past 48 hours that I’m actually sick of thinking and feeling. Didn’t realise it would be this hard but as everyone keeps saying, it will get better, and I’ll get used to my ‘new life’. Grieving still for my old one, as I have not felt like myself for such a long time, and it’s hard to see myself feeling like me again.
Pretty messed up but adamant that I will come through the other side of this.
Tonight will be good for me, meeting people face to face who have HIV, being out, and trying to enjoy myself. Just hope I can keep my depression and anxiety in check.
DathomirDan.
Thanks for reading.
Diagnosis Blues 